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Issue 03/31/11 - Vol. 42, Issue 12

The Eiffel Tower Comes to Escondido
by lyle e davis

All of North San Diego County will be totally surprised when Escondido Mayor Sam Abed holds a Press Conference on Friday, April 1st, at 12 noon, at which time he will make a startling announcement.

The Paper has learned exclusively that Mayor Sam will announce that he has put together a coalition of financial heavy hitters that will contribute to the the surpise of the year and arrange for the Eiffel Tower in Paris, France, to be completely dismantled, shipped to San Diego, then trucked to Escondido where it will be reconstructed and occupy the space that the long discussed and very controversial proposed Minor League Baseball Stadium was to have been built.  

Abed told us in a private interview that he has been working on this operation for the past year.  “The proposed baseball stadium was just my way of concealing my real project - bringing the Eiffel Tower to Escondido.  This will draw tourists from all over the world and will greatly benefit not only Escondido but all North County cities as they will enjoy the overflow crowds, the attention, and, frankly, the dollars they bring to the hard hit market.”

Asked who was behind the operations, Abed fairly gushed:  “We have heavy duty people involved in this.  I’ve been meeting with them for over a year.  Internationally known names, Bill Gates, the creator of Microsoft, Warren Buffett, one of the world’s richest men and one of the most astute investors around.  Dick Cavett, who just appeared here recently at Harrah’s Valley Center Casino is in; actors Brad Pitt, Tom Hanks and Tom Cruise are all in.  

We’ll have a complete list of investor/financial backers at the press conference tomorrow, April 1st, at the California Center for the Arts, Escondido.”

Asked if he had consulted other North County cities, Mayor Sam acknowledged he had.  “Mayor Jim Desmond of San Marcos, Mayor Jim Wood of Oceanside, Mayor Matt Hall of Carlsbad, and Mayor Judy Ritter of Vista, all are supportive of the plan!”

“We’ve already laid the groundwork for acquisition of the land; the survey of land supposedly intended for the ball park was actually intended for the Eiffel Tower all along.  It was all a big ruse.  Plus, the Escondido taxpayer will pay absoutely nothing for this world class monument.  The $100 million needed to purchase, dismantle, ship, and reconstruct the Eiffel Tower is all being paid for by the Investor Group, headed by Bill Gates and Warren Buffett.  Tickets sales of $25 per adult, $15 per minor, will all go to the Investor Group until the $100 million is repaid, together with 12% return on investment.  After that, the city of Escondido will split the revenue 50/50 with the Investor Group.  I just couldn’t be happier!”

The Paper spoke with other Council Members:
Ed Gallo:  You gotta give it to Sam; he’s always working on some project.  I think this is a tremendous idea.  Can you imagine how many tourists will come to North County, to Escondido, to see the Eiffel Tower?  Can you imagine the French Restaurants that will locate here?  The bistros, the antique shops, the super chic designer shops?  I?think Escondido is on its way, economically.”
Olga Diaz:  “What I?like about Sam’s idea is it removes a controversial project and replaces it with a project that all of North County will embrace; further, think of the jobs such a move will bring with it.  Not only the contstruction crews that will reconstruct the tower, but all the new businesses and their employees . . . all the high tech industry with their highly paid staffs that will want to move into the area . . . I’m excited about seeing the economy rebound so quickly.”

Marie Waldron:  Did not return our phone calls for comment.
Mike Morasco:  “I’m the new id on the block but I can’t help but be impressed by the enormity of this project that Sam has put together.  I’ll do all I can to facilitate it . . . and you can bet I’ll be bringing my family, my relatives, my neighbors and friends, to take a tour of the Eiffel Tower . . right here in Escondido.  Think of it!”

Mayor Jim Desmond:  “We’re proud to be neighbors of Escondido and Mayor Sam; this was a true visionary at work and with our enormous selection of fine dining at the San Marcos Restaurant Row, naturally we are looking forward to satisfying the palates of hundreds of thousands of tourists that will be coming to North Count to enjoy the Eiffel Tower Escondido.”
Dick Cavett:  While I?spend most of my time in New York City, I?shall make it a point to come visit my money in Escondido.  Most of it, you see, will have been invested in that quaint little tower you have . . Eiffel, is it?”
Matt Damon:  “I’ve been busy helping to re-hab New Orleans from all the flooding. . . so I?know a bit about how big this project is and how much support it needs, both financial as well as moral and popular support.  Sam could count me in from the first day we met.  It’s a class project.”

Warren Buffett: “I?always analyze things from a business perspective.  At $25 a ticket for adults and $15 for minors, and with hundreds of thousands of tourists flocking to North San Diego County and the new Mecca for tourists, Escondido, it won’t take long to recover our initial investment, our return on investment, and a healthy profit over and above ROI to boot.

Tom Cruise:  “Man, I just think this is so cool!”

Jimmy Buffet:  “When I first heard about it from Mayor Sam I said, ‘I’m in; I?just want the franchise to construct a Margaritaville Restaurant and Lounge nearby.  I’ve been assured that is a done deal, so count me in.”

Bill Gates:  “Well, we’ve been involved with donating millions of dollars around the world to help out on social issues.  This, however, is not so much a donation as it is an investment.  We see The Eiffel Tower, Escondido, as a rock solid investment with hundreds of thousands of tourists coming to Escondido every year.  North San Diego County is in for a real bonanza, and we’re delighted to be part of it.”

Each of the investors have agreed to invest a minimum of $10 million dollars, Bill Gates and Warren Buffet have each agreed to fund $30 million each.  That provides for $100 million to facilitate the project.  Sales of business rights to vendors and major stores are anticipated to generate another $15 million, the funds of which will be used both for operational costs as well as maintenance costs.  

It is estimated that a minimum of 500 jobs will be generated in the immediate area of the Eiffel Tower Escondido, and countless other jobs generated by attracting travel and tourism related businesses to greater North San Diego County.
Tom Hanks:  “I?just recently heard about his and insisted that my business manager get me involved.  If I’m not too late, if the project is not oversubscribed, you can count me in.  I?think it’s a great idea!”

The French Cultural Minister, Monsieur Charles Clouseau de Toqueville, said: “Naturally, we hate to see a great French institution, the international symbol of French culture, leave our shores.  But Mayor Sam is very persuasive.  We know this beautiful tower will spread the story of France even more, coming to America.  In the space where the Eiffel Tower has been for all these years, we will be building a huge athletic stadium which will host international tennis matches, international soccer tournaments . . . a wonderful arena for athletic endeavors.  
We have been in negotiations with The Moorad Group, who were introduced to us by Mayor Sam.  They are giving us an opportunity to invest $80 milllion of our money in a stadium in the heart of France, which they will manage for us and not charge us one centime in management fees, and they tell us this stadium will bring us hundreds of thousands of tourists to France.  We are happy to invest in the Moorad Group and their vision for an even greater France!  Vive la France! Vive la Moorad Group in France!”

Special Editor’s Note:

Mayor Sam Abed, the rest of the Escondido City Council, Bill Gates and Warren Buffett, Matt Damon, Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks, and Dick Cavett, will all assemble at the California Center for the Arts, Escondido,  for the press press conference at 12 noon, Friday, April 1st. 

Mayors Desmond, Wood, Hall, and Ritter, representing all of the North County cities will attend as well.  

No reservations are necessary and there is a free lunch as well.