This week, a
compendium of wit, wisdom and neat stuff you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
"Mummy, tomorrow I have an oral exam. One question the teacher will ask me is, 'Who made you?' What shall I say?" asked Little Johnny.
"Say that God made you." replied his mother.
The next day, when the question came up, poor Little Johnny had forgotten what his mother had said, so he explained, "Teacher, until yesterday I was sure it was my father who made me. But then
mother said it was someone else, and I can't remember the guy's name."
Q: Why God made man first?
A: He didn't want Eve standing around telling him how to make a man.
1. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
A hospital is no place to be sick. -- Samuel Goldwyn
Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery
1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."
7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff
9. "Damn, there go the lights again . . ."
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."
11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"
Voice of Experience
Two little boys are in a hospital and are lying next to each other. The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second replies, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"
The second boy then asks, "What are you in here for?"
The first boy replies, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."
The second says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"•••••
The trick for keeping your baby from crying on the plane is to come up with a new activity each time the baby gets bored. A standard baby gets bored every 15 seconds, so on a four-hour flight, you, as a parent, need to come up with 960 different activities.
-- Dave Barry
Children's Definition of Marriage
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents"
-Eric, AGE 6