I have long maintained, only partly in jest, that one of the reasons we who are of Scandinavian descent are so doggoned attractive is that our genetic pool is, well, just swell.
We Viking men, for example, are probably the most handsome men on earth. Scientific studies have confirmed this again and again. (I have copies of those studies around the office here, somewhere. Remind me to show them to you whenever I find them.)
Why is this?
The answer is simple enough.
When our ancestors would go on their Viking warrior raids to other countries and rob and pillage, they would also kidnap the local women. Vikings weren’t dumb. They didn’t kidnap any ugly women.
Thus, the Scandinavians developed a highly desirable genetic pool.
I rest my case.
Comes now some very sensitive intelligence type information that I’m trusting you to keep secret.
We, in North San Diego County, are about to be invaded.
The Paper has an extensive intelligence gathering network. Spies spread all over the entire planet. One of our top spies has reported that there is a large Viking armada (two ships - for Vikings, that’s large) planning an invasion for this weekend. Primary target: Vista, California. Secondary target: The Sons of Norway Hall, located at 2006 East Vista Way, Vista. (You can’t miss it. It’s located right next to the Vistafjord. Not to be confused with North County Ford, which is also located in Vista).
Local Scandanavians, being Scandanavians, are just likely to resist the invasion by the expedient of declaring this Saturday and Sunday as a Festival.
All indications are that around 2,000 folks will appear at such a festival. The festival, should be scheduled for Saturday and Sunday, September 29th & 30th. (Memo to Invading Vikings: If you could kindly schedule your invasion for these two dates it would help a great deal in conducting a successful festival. And for Pete’s sake, kindly also invade only from 11am to 8pm on Saturday and 11am to 4pm on Sunday. It’ll work better for the festival. Trust us.) Norwegian Fish Club Odin and Sons of Norway Lodge No. 60 have volunteered to protect the Sons of Norway Hall from the invaders . . . and, while they’re at it, they decided they’d also invite some vendors in, just in case the Viking invaders might actually want to buy something instead of plunder and pillage it.
Vista Maidens, eager to be kidnapped by Viking Invaders
The Viking Reception and Invasion Avoidance Committee has determined that music soothes the savage beast. Accordingly, in an attempt to dissuade the invading Vikings from lopping off heads of innocent Vista Villagers, some of whom might even be bona fide Scandinavians, the Committee has arranged for the upbeat Celtic band, “Highland Way,” to entertain with Scottish and Irish music on both days. It is hoped also that the invading Vikings might confuse us for innocent Scots or Irish folk and not bother with us as it is well known that Vikings prefer other Scandinavians, whenever possible, for breeding stock.
They have, however, also arranged for Kjell Holmes to play his accordian. Now, with a name like Kjell the Vikings will surely recognize one of their own. Kjell is about as Scandinavian as you can get. We understand, from other of our various spies, that the Hardanger Fiddlers will appear. Just so the foot stompin’ Bluegrass Folks don’t feel left out, “Needle in a Haystack” will also appear and belt out some fine bluegrass.
What effect bluegrass is likely to have on the bloodthirsty, invading Vikings, is yet to be determined.
To ensure we can placate the Invading Vikings, however, we shall have food and drink during this Viking Festival. Yes, of course, they’ll have lefse! Whoever heard of a Viking Festival without lefse?
Besides lefse we’ll expect to feed the Invading Vikings such delicacies as Swedish Meatballs (a real crowd pleaser!), Pølse, (a weiner in a bun. Over here, we call ‘em hot dogs), Fish Cakes, Norwegian Cookies, Scandinavian Baked Goods and so much more! The beer garden will feature local microbrews and Viking mead.
Some of the vendors will offer a variety of items: horns, swords, cloths, linens, and clothes, jewelry, clogs, and books for cooking, history, language, and much more.
Plans call for an authentic Viking Village to be built, primarily so the Vicious Viking Invaders might feel more at home and be less inclined to maim our citizens but, instead, to join in the festivities and perhaps even engage in a Scheduled Viking Battle. The authentic reproduction of an early Viking encampment with performance guilds from Drafn and Raiders from the North will exhibit life and times from the Viking period. A working forge and operating bread oven will lend to the authenticity of the day.
Surely we can tame the Savage Viking Invaders with all of the above plans. (All of which, I remind you, are to be kept secret. You promised).
Rather than actually do battle (someone could get hurt, you know) we may wish to intimidate the Vicious Viking Invaders by impressing them with our skills at throwing the battle-axe. There will be competitions in this area, as well as the Viking Log Toss. (I can see it now. A Vicious Viking Invader preparing to charge into our citizenry with his battle sword hefted into the air when he pauses . . . his eyes widen and he shouts . . . “By Yiminy! They be goin’ to throw a Viking Log at us! Run Avay! Run Avay!”
There will also be both a Fiske Fling and a Battlecry Competition. “Fiske” means fish in Norwegian. Means the same thing in Swedish or Danish . . . so, well, you get the picture as to what type of competition it will be.
As to the Battlecry Competion, we don’t know quite what to expect of that. Last year Bruce the Swede won it . . . much to the amusement of Norsk and Dansk competitors and to the great discomfiture of the Swedes. Bruce the Swede won the Battlecry Competition with . . . . well, “Yoo Hoo!” There is talk of banning Bruce the Swede from competing this year. There is an overwhelming fear that the Vicious Invading Vikings might point and laugh. Or, worse, require us to eat lutefisk.
I, your humble reporter, have eaten lutefisk. Once. I do not care to eat it again. Lutefisk is, purportedly, fish. Soaked in lye, then frozen. Some Norwegians are said to love it. I am not one of them. To me, it is cruel and inhumane punishment to require someone to eat lutefisk.
If you are not planning on sailing up the Magestic River Vista and/or into the Vistafjord, you may wish to come by car. In that event, from the 78 freeway, exit Escondido Ave. Go North to East Vista Way and take a right. After about 3 miles, look for the Norway Hall and Viking Festival signs on your left. Norway Hall is located at 2006 East Vista Way across the street from Elks Lodge and behind D’Elegantes Restaurant. There is additional parking a block north of the festival.
Not just anybody can get into this festival. You have to have $7. Or $11 if you want a two day pass. Kids 12 and under are free. Plus you have to be good looking. Handsome men and beautiful women. That’s all they’ll allow into the Festival because we don’t want to upset the Vicious Viking Invaders. They expect beauty, and we’re gonna give it to ‘em.
Which brings us to another masterful plan to, if not defeat the Vicious Viking Invaders, then to at least deflect their vicious onslaughts.
It’s called women.
We have comely female wenches that are waiting to be kidnapped and carried off to far off Northern Lands. We looked for comely male wenches but were told there is no such item in the human inventory. Only female wenches.
Normally, when word leaks out that the Vicious Viking Invaders are actually about to, well, invade . . . grown men begin to weep . . . and comely women begin to applaud. Oh, they say they’re frightened as all get-out, but one can’t hardly help but notice that they start dabbing their sweet smelling perfumes behind the ears, straighten out their hair, apply a bit of paint here and there, mostly there, and begin to adopt rather coquettish looks about them.
It is said that women are schemers and I’m beginning to believe them.
There is, of course, a secret contact number . . . and a chief Secret Viking Alert Spy, name of Robert Undheim. You’ll recognize him fairly easily as he carries around a chair marked, “General Chair.” He is also often in the company of a phenomenally beautiful Scandinavian woman by name of Dobrila. If you don’t see him you can call him at his very secret number of 760.724.6592 and derive more information therefrom.
Or you could even go to the UltraSecret website:
Lots of top-secret information there . . . but, remember, keep it to yourself.