Daily Chuckle

December 20th, 2007

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

“We Would Rather Do Business with 1000 Al-Qaida Terrorists than with one American Soldier!”

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Houston.

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign.

Answer: A Texas Funeral Home

(Who said morticians have no sense of humor?)

Angels as Explained by Children:

I only know the names of two angels: Hark and Harold.
--Gregory, 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.
--Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
--Matthew, 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
--Mitchell, 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
--Henry, 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!
--Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
--Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.
--Reagan, 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter.
--Sara, 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his Son, who's a very good carpenter.
--Jared, 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.
--Antonio, 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
--Katelynn, 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
--Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
--Sarah, 7

Golf

The Law of Physics state it's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are. That's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).

Why God made Moms
(Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions):

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a month? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Dye it. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Advanced Planning

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

Doctor’s Training

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and seated her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What's the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. “This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups...?"

Absolutely priceless photo!