Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||February 25th, 2010|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three leading universities, were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from UCLA, “What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young lady from the University of Minnesota ..
"Elation," she said.
"And you, sir," he said to the student from University of Oklahoma, "how about the opposite of woe?"
The University of Oklahoma student replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up."
Woman’s Annual Exam
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I replied.
The nurse put me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked: "Your height?"
"5 feet, 6 inches," I answered..
The nurse checked and saw that
I only measure 5 feet, 3 inches....
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it's very high.
"Of course it's high!" I screamed."When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch.
A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.'
A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ..neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7... Foursomes are encouraged.
#6.. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5... Three times a day is possible.
#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3... If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Where do red headed babies come from?
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, Our families on both side had jet-black hair for generations.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?’
The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year.. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently. 'It's rust.'
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this take place?
'Couple of minutes ago.'
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with... -- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. FAMILY: Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynn age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10 ( Martin is wise beyond his years)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that..
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8