Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||May 24, 2006|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
What Is the Right Age to get Married?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
How Can a Stranger Tell if a Couple are Married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
What Do Your Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
What Would You Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
Is It Better to be Single or Married?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
How Would the World be Different if People Didn’t Get Married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
How Would You Make a Marriage Work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
Eve called out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
And God answered, "What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy."
"And why is that, Eve?"
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What is that, Lord?"
"It will be a flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. So you'll eat more than apples. Also he will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he will also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," said Eve, "but what's the catch, Lord?"
"Well, you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret ... you know, woman to woman."
"Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus."
The Department of Strange,
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then, when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were just going down to the corner.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo! I'd have all my money back!
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
The New Preacher
Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic young preacher raised himself to full height, leaned over the pulpit and boomed, "Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your mouf."
Nominated as the best short joke this year:
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a
"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.