Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||June 20, 2006|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed . . .
A Story Frae’ Scotland
Three Glaswegians were working on a high-rise building project - Shug, Tam and Tam.
Shug falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Sumwan needs tae go an tell his missus."
Tam says, "Aye. OK, Ah'll dae it. I'm pretty good at aw that sensitive stuff, Nae borra."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Tennants Lager.
Wee Eck says, "Where did you get that, Tam?"
"Shug's missus gied it tae me," Tam replies.
"That's unbelievable, you telt the wummin that her man was deid and she gied ye aw that beer?"
"Well no exactly," Tam says.
"When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Shug's widow'.
She said, 'Naw, I'm no a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Tennants Lager you are'."
Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty one day. Boudreaux's first assignment was to a military induction center, and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance.
This was odd, because it would cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux directly about his selling techniques, but instead he would sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you got da normal GI insurans an' you go to Iraq an' get youself killed, da governmen' gonna pay you beneficiary $20,000.
If you take out da supplemental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollar a mont, den da governmen' gotta pay you beneficiary $200,000!"
"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq furst?"
Silence in the Court!
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
A Simple Solution to Security
Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border, take the dirt and raise the levees in New Orleans and put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Any other problems you have for me to solve?
Another Simple Story
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get . . . times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man that ever lived, an Adonis whom women will swoon over and flock to." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM! - She's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said,"That will make your husband the richest man in the world by far. And he will be ten times richer than you. "The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM!!! - She's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after careful consideration she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
ATTENTION female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please continue reading:
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife! Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women are nosey cows and never listen!
(This was forwarded to me by a wee Scotsman who wears a kilt and eats haggis and talks awfy funny and spells humor as humour and tire as tyre. And goes to bed every nicht.)
"I'd never run for president. I've thought about it, and the only reason I'm not is that I'm scared no woman would come forward and say she had an affair with me."
When my sister's husband died, she went to the bank to put his affairs in order. The young clerk looked up their joint account and then asked, "Which of you is deceased?"
Two guys in a bar are talking about their wives.
"My wife is mad at me again," says the first.
"I was bombed at the bar across the street last night. And she came looking for me."
"What'd you do?"
"I asked her for her phone number."
Rules for Being in the South
1. Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know.
2. Don't laugh at people's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari Beth and Inez have all been known to whip a man's ass for
less than that.
3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda, this can lead to a merciless beating. Down South it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.
4. Don't show allegiances to any college football squad that isn't an SEC
team. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who get to play Wyoming
5. Don't refer to Southerner's as a bunch of hillbillies. Many of us are/have been more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner), better educated and generally much nicer to boot. We've got plenty of business sense (e.g., Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV and Netscape). Naturally, we can have lapses of judgment from time to time (e.g., Clinton, Fordice, Duke). We don't care if you think we're dumb, we know better!
6. We are fully aware that the humidity is high. Quit your bitching, spend your money and leave.
7. Don't order wheat toast at the Cracker Barrel. If you do this, everyone will know you're from Ohio. Eat the biscuits like God intended and for goodness sake, don't put sugar in your grits.
8. Don't attempt to fake a Southern accent. Nothing will invoke a riot faster.
9. Don't go around talking about how much better it is back home. If you don't like it here, take your Yankee ass back home.
10. We don't play lacrosse, hockey or any of those other sissy-ass Northern games, so don't ask about the scores. We simply don't care.
11. We know how to speak proper English, we talk this way because we want to and we can. It's like playing Jazz, you have to know how to do it right first.
12. Last, but by no means, least ... DO NOT try to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This could lead to permanent expulsion and revocation of your work visa. You're damn lucky that we let you come down here in the first place, don't push your luck