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Daily Chuckle July 13, 2006
Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

Notes For the Milkman
(From Great Britain)

"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

"Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."

"Cancel one pint after the day after today."

"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it."

"Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."

"Milkman. please could I have a loaf but not bread today."

"Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole."

"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."

"Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round."

"When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

"Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last nights Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened?"

"My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."

"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me."

"Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."

"From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."

"My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight."

"Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday."

"When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk.

"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."

That’s My Boy!

A young Louisiana lad goes off to LSU, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at LSU that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this- they have had such good results with this program that they have implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ" say his father" no kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class". His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad" the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we drove home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the MORNING ADVOCATE, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "so, is your dad still messing around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?"

The father says, "I hope you shot the SOB before he talks to your mother!"

" I sure did, dad!"

"That's my boy!"

Soliloquoy

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up. I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

This Kind of Stuff Has Got To Stop In our Country!

We Must stop this Immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away . . . Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection . . . well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them . . . All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips,
thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial?

HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

Quotes You May Wish To Recall

"A friend will make your bail; a true friend will sit up on the jail cot and say, 'Damn, that was a good time.'"

"Only the man behind the rifle has free speech."

"47% of all statistics are made up on the spot."

"There are 10 kinds of people in this world -- Those who understand binary and those who don't."

"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."

"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is."

"If there was justice in the world, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

The Blondes

Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher."

The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $20 worth."

From Kabul

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about 4 and one half miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."

Muttering insults, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later, at deaths door from the heat and lack of water, the Arab staggered back. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

More Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Four years ago ... no, it was yesterday.

Today I ... No, that wasn't me.

Sometimes I ... No, I don't.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I took a baby shower.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
"So, do you live around here often?"

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird because he has false teeth with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge ... you can't hear him talk.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted." There was another sign below it that said "self service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

 

 

 

 


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