Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||July 20th, 2006|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost, and being a typical man did not stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached, the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory." I preached and I preached like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
The new Supermarket in our town has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter on toast.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
How to Sing the Blues
(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)
1. Most blues begin: "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.
I got a good woman -- with the meanest dog in town.
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
8. The following colors do not belong in the Blues:
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong.
10. Good places for the blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed
Bad places for the blues
b. Gallery openings
c. weekend in the Hamptons
11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
a. your first name is a southern state, like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund.
13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand are capable of singing the blues.
14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water
d. one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer
Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back
by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room.
It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.
16. Some blues names for women
b. Big Mama
17. Some blues names for men
c. Little Willie
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
Senior Dress Code
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least ..
13. Thongs and Depends
More Steven Wright
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.
Quotes You May Be Called Upon to Use
"A friend will make your bail; a true friend will sit up on the jail cot and say, 'Damn, that was a good time.'"
"Only the man behind the rifle has free speech."
"47% of all statistics are made up on the spot."
"There are 10 kinds of people in this world -- Those who understand binary and those who don't."
"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is."
"If there was justice in the world, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up. I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be
right there. --Age 5
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with. --Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting
started. --Age 12
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and
everyone died. --Age 13
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7