Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||July 28, 2006|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2006 Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Ole says . . . "How vas I suppose to pick dem up?
Before you vote...
Albert de Salvo
Representative Tim Moore sponsored a resolution in the Texas House of Representatives in Austin, Texas, calling on the House to commend Albert de Salvo for his unselfish service to “his country, his state and his community.''
The resolution stated that “this compassionate gentleman's dedication and devotion to his work has enabled the weak and the lonely throughout the nation to achieve and maintain a new degree of concern for their future. He has been officially recognized by the state of Massachusetts for his noted activities and unconventional techniques involving population control and applied psychology.''
The resolution was passed unanimously.
Representative Moore then revealed that he had only tabled the motion to show how the legislature passes bills and resolutions often without reading them or understanding what they say.
Albert de Salvo was the Boston Strangler.
A Collection . . .
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy!
--- Erica Jong
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours!
--- Rita Rudner
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives!
--- Rita Rudner
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?!
--- Wendy Liebman
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde!
--- Dolly Parton
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house!
--- Zsa Zsa Gabor
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country!!!
--- Elayne Boosler
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy. If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk. If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self defense. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.
Words From Women
"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid."
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." Bella Abzug
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." --- Margaret Thatcher
"If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary."
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career."
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."
"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."
"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."
"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths."
Baroness Edith Summerskill
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" Linda Ellerbee
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful
house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ...it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhhh ... my wife found out. "
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her.
Message to diver: "Surface at once. Ship is sinking."
Spindle & Mutilate. See if I care.
Dawn crept across the lawn, looking for her car keys.
If the cops throw a net over me, am I legally in seine?
One day a blonde went to a seafood resturant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters.
She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse.
Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.
These two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because
they will stop making it.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too.
This is as bad as it can get... but don't bet on it.
There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.
The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
The other line always moves faster... until you get in it.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything good.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Do unto others.
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." -- Gene Hill
"In dog years, I'm dead." -- Unknown
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." -- Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." --
Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!" -- Dr. Tom Cat
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-- Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." -- Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -- Josh Billings