Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||September 14, 2006|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
3. I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here.
4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley.
10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
12. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
None of you are in this category; but it certainly sounds familiar to me! (I went with Lyle to his 50th High School Reunion this summer, so this hits pretty close to home)
High School Reunion of a 60+ Year-Old Lady
I had prepared for it like any intelligent woman would. I went on a starvation diet the day before, knowing that all the extra weight would just melt off in 24-hours, leaving me with my sleek, trim, high-school-girl body. The last forty years of careful cellulite collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger.
I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday, that I could probably fit into my senior formal on Saturday. Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment bag, carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric, and hung it on the door.
I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and thought, "Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back..." bodies never have pockets where you need them.
Bravely, I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the shimmering dress and stepped gingerly into it. I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled and I got the formal all the way up to my knees... before the zipper gave out. I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silver sandals again and dance the night away.
Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for this affair. No way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner, I turned to Plan B: the black crepe caftan.
I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at Saks: the scented shower gel; the body building and highlighting shampoo & conditioner, and the split-end killer and shine enhancer. Soon my hair would look like that girl's in the Pantene ads.
Then the makeup --the under eye "ain't no lines here" firming cream, the all-day face-lifting gravity-fighting moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle; the all day" kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss will come off" lipstick, the bronzing face powder for that special glow.
But first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear.
OK, time to get ready! I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed and scoured my body to a tingling pink. I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle, gravity fighting, "your face will look like a baby's posterior" face cream. I set my hair on hot rollers.
I felt wonderful. Ready to take on the world. Or in this instance, my underwear. With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body, I pulled out the black lace, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, hamhock-rounding girdle, and the matching "lifting those bosoms like they're filled with helium bra."
I greased my body with the scented body lotion and began the plunge. I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied, hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled and kicked. Sweat poured off my forehead but I was done. And it didn't look bad. So I rested. A well deserved rest, too.
The girdle was on my body. Bounce a quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a trampoline. Can you say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper buns?" Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways, and I couldn't move from my buns to my knees. But I was firm!
Oh no...I had to go to the bathroom. And there wasn't a snap crotch. From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was ready to rip it open and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro, but the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind. I quickly sidestepped to the bathroom.
An hour later, I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into the girdle. I was ready for the bra. I remembered what the saleslady said to do. I could see her glossed lips mouthing, "Do not fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around. Put the bra on the way it should be worn--straps over the shoulders. Then bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups." Easy if you have four hands. But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down...but the boobs weren't cooperating. I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup, and while placing the other, the first would slip out. I needed a strategy. I bounced up and down a few times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work. So, while bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to swinging. Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift, I captured the gliding glands. Quickly fastening the back of the bra, I stood up for examination. Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror, turning front, and then sideways. I smiled. Yes, Houston, we have lift up! My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage! I was happy until I tried to look down. I had a chin rest. And I couldn't see my feet.
I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes. Oh...why did I buy heels with buckles? Then I had to pee again. I put on my sweats, fixed myself a drink, ordered pizza, and skipped the reunion.
"Remember...a developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already owns a house in the woods." --Dennis Miller
"The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have
that rule when Jesus was born."
-- Elayne Boosler
Every time I look at you, I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
In the first place God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards.
~ Mark Twain
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. She changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late -- and you're still not ready?"
I made a stupid mistake last week.
But now that I think of it, did you ever hear of someone making a clever mistake?
The difference between the short tax form and long tax form is simple: If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money...
My son is such a bad driver, he got three tickets on his written test
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
~ Lynn Lavner
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
For those who never saw the Burma shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930s and '40's. Before the Interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream. Here are more of the actual signs:
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
. Burma Shave
DROVE TOO LONG
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING.
GOOD MORNING NURSE.
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT .
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
. Burma Shave
AROUND THE CURVE
ITS A BEAUTIFUL CAR
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU! .
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'. ..
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY
. .....Burma Shave
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE. .....
THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON THE CAR
TO DO HIS THINKING.
CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE
. ....Burma Shave
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE!
. ....Burma Shave
About lights that shine
If he won't dim his
Then I won't dim mine.
And the all time favorite:
Don't stick your arm
Out the window too far
It might go home
In another car!
Do these bring back memories??
If not, you are such a child.
If they do, you're older than dirt, like me!
Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.
This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government.
However, you may well NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.; Hillary Rodham; John F. Kerry; William Jefferson Clinton; Howard Dean; Nancy Pelosi; Dianne Feinstein; Charles E. Schumer; and Barbara Boxer were born.
That piece of information has now cleared up a lot of things.
Things That Hallmark Cards Don’t Say
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
The days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Happy Birthday , Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.